Installment 1
Mitch Hedbergborn: February 24, 1968
deceased: March 29, 2005
cause of death: drug toxicity
occupation: stand-up comedian
little-known-fact: because of extremely severe stage-fright, Mitch would often perform with his eye closed (which is the cause for his trade-mark sunglasses).
site worth seeing: Mitch's Comedy Videos
Among more than I dare list, here are some of my favorite Mitch one-liners:
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here.'
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it though. One day I'm gonna though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me?
I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later... so...Yeah."
4 comments:
yay thanks for making me laugh so very much.. great blog!
one of my favorites:
i order a club all the time and I'm not even a member. how did they start this club? i like my sandwiches with 3 pieces of bread. Me too...we shall form a club. Okay, but we need some more stipulations, instead of cutting it one way, we will cut it twice. and in the middle we shall dump chips. I have a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? i'm for 'em.
brilliance.
who introduced you to Mitch Hedberg, pray tell?
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