the part that i still don't really understand is how people can say "it's not what you do, it's who you are." i think i've said these very words before because i know that somehow "truth" and "grace" co-exist in a way that eliminates the requirement of perfection and even action to prove the worth that is supposedly inherent. i'm having a hard time with this concept. "worth" doesn't really translate well from the biblical sense to the relational one.
so it becomes easy to scatter ourselves...to plant pieces of ourselves where each piece can be significant and appreciated. until suddenly we are pulled so apart that "self" loses meaning and "intimacy" loses potency. we don't believe that anyone would want the whole. they like their piece that they have been given and if they were to be exposed to the whole...the reaction is the recurring nightmare. so we keep our pieces separate and safe. this way we can feel loved in a very compartmentalized way. every piece is accepted...just not all at once or by the same people.
the problem is, it's a house of cards. because no matter how thoroughly loved one piece is, there is always the fear, the terror that one boundary crossed, one feeling exposed, one reaction misplaced will tear the whole damn thing down. and then we are left with nothing but the realization that we weren't enough -- at least not as a whole.
we lose track sometimes of where the pieces are. sometimes we are desperate to get them back together again. and we know what it is that needs to be done...what it is we need to do to get the original design right...but the desperate moments are when that is the last thing we want to do. so we starve ourselves of the thing we need for fear of what might be revealed.
Merry Christmas 2018
7 years ago
1 comment:
Wow. I don't know what I can add to this other than maybe my very insignificant point of view. See I was trying to think of whether or not I do this, and in my own way I'd have to admit that I do give certain pieces to some people and other pieces to others even if I might not think it so. I think the best thing we can do is put it all out there. This is very hard to do and there's something to be said for the timing of it all. For instance if I told you everything about myself the first time we'd met, I'm pretty sure we wouldn't still be talking. Not because the things I would have said were bad or would have freaked you out or anything, but because how strange would that be in general for some person you meet for the first time to just vomit up everything about his/herself. So how do we get beyond this? I'm not sure I have an answer but I'm inclined to think that somehow we must be able to show all the cards in our hands to one another.
Maybe we just need to build up thicker skin. Who gives a crap if our cards fall. If someone didn't like one of our cards, well screw them. At least we showed it to them. Maybe the key lies in not rejecting others based on their cards. We won't be accepted as a whole until we can accept others for all their cards. I honestly don't know, just some uncoordinated thoughts.
Post a Comment