1am.

another late night and late morning thanks to mary beth. i tell you, this woman will be my demise -- or perhaps my strength. we discovered some more things about me into the wee hours of the morning...things that will take me some time to process.

1) i live in fear. fear of myself, fear of rejection, fear of shame, fear of guilt. because of that...
2) i'm an avoider. i will do anything necessary to keep from looking at myself (or anyone who might show me myself) for fear of the things listed above. because of that...
3) i'm dry. conversation with the Creator...the Mirror...is about the last thing i want to expose myself to. because of that...
4) i'm insecure. i can't be aware of my identity when i'm not in communication with the identity giver. i also don't have any desire to fix it. because of that...
5) i'm needy. mary beth's biggest hint to this was the fact that i ask her or justin if i'm okay almost every time i leave the house. a choked "just tell me i'm okay." i can't know on my own because of the things listed above.

like ointment...like the sweetest smelling aloe...she discovers these things with me and smiles because she does think i'm okay and loves me so much. she asks me why i'm so afraid of Him. and i tell her it's because i'm afraid of myself...afraid to see what there is to see...afraid of the mess. i tell her it's because He's not all about love like i was taught in sunday school. He's scary and His lessons are hard. and if i look at myself, i'll see things i want Him to help me change...and He'll answer my prayer, but the lesson...sometimes i don't want to survive the lesson. i tell her it's easier not to look. i tell her He doesn't seem nice anymore. i know He's real and i know He must be good, but i'm just not getting that loving part. and then He does the greatest thing. as i'm talking with this woman that looks a lot like Him, He reminds me of something that i had never processed before.

during the loneliest nights after Leah had fallen into a medical-induced sleep that i myself had administered, when i would be more-than-alone in my little cave, i would read this verse (psalm 142) over and over and cry for reprise.

"I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way. In the path where I walk men have hidden a snare for me. Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life. I cry to you, O Lord; I say, 'You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.' Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me. Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name..."

and this is the part that would make me weep:

"Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me."

and it hit me in that moment, sitting with MB, that He has fulfilled His promise. i longed to be around strong people full of righteousness and grace...it's what i wanted more than anything in my deepest alone. i would tell Him that i could stay as long as He asked, if He would only make this verse real for me. and He did. i'm living in the fruit of it. i am surrounded...SURROUNDED by incredible people who care for and love me beyond any hope i had hoped in that cave. and why? because of His goodness to me. it has nothing to do with me. which means i can't ruin it after all. this season -- this sweet season that i have sabotaged with fear -- is not contingent on my failings or shame. it is simply because of His goodness to me. oh, how quickly i forget.