haze.

it's three o'clock in the morning or maybe it's four
i am thinking of you
wondering what i should do
but i'm finally cutting through this haze

that's a cake song. and a damn good one.

but it is three o'clock in the morning. and i'm not asleep. and i could probably be up for another 26 hours straight if i so chose. but instead, i'm going to try to lay down. and when i say "lay down", i mean a lot of things. because today i'm angry. i'm so very angry at how things have turned. and i'm angry that my eyes are a little more open to the world around me. and i wish i could go backward tonight...really truly regress into something i was before. but i can't, so instead i'll lay down and see if sleep comes this time.

God...why do i sometimes feel like the only way you hear me is if i'm writing it down somewhere? and why do i feel more validated in what i want to say if i toss it out for the world to read? i've always wondered that. but until i figure it out, i'll keep doing it. i want you to know that i trust you. i want them to all know it, too. and i'm going through all the shitty thoughts that a person with limited brain capacity (as you created) will go through. but in the center of it...i trust you. i'm actually excited about you. because now i know what you're capable of. now i know that you do REMAIN. i know that you are CONSISTENT. and even in the midst of all these many thoughts that try their best to drown you out, i know your sovereignty. thank you for it. it never meant so much as it means tonight. knowing that you're sovereign makes all the other seem so irrelevant. and that is the most comfortably supernatural thing i've discovered about you yet.