student of grace. part 7.

He gives and He takes away.

i always assumed that one was good and one was bad...that He just did both and we had to accept whichever end of the stick we got. i forgot both were good.

i was thinking about insecurity last night as i ate a fantastic meal with a fantastic girl. i have lived my life in battle with insecurity. i've assumed it was the root of all evil, and lived to develop a strategy against it. like a chess game, i have positioned the correct people around me...the ones who will offer remedy to my insecurity either by being people who i believe have beaten their own insecurity and thereby inspire me or by doing and saying things that make me feel good about myself. and i have lived in a comfortable state of confidence as i situated myself precariously atop their opinions.

as i toppled down, insecurity and instability welcomed themselves into every corner of my thoughts and spirit. and though it seems as though i would drown, i have learned something. here is the first revelation: i need God. you shrug with the years of sunday school behind you, but i didn't know that i did. i said that i did and i told you that you did, but i didn't really know. in fact, i had and have gotten very good at functioning out of the places that i am able to handle on my own (again, in an effort to battle insecurity), offering the illusion that i am strong. and giving credit to Him for that strength never really meant that i depended on Him for it.

here is the second revelation: insecurity is a gift. it makes me need Him first. it makes me desperate for His love. and His love compels me to love Him back. and then, once the first need is established, He offers others and that insecurity compels me to love and be loved. the great commission...accomplished by means of insecurity...inability...insufficiency...inadequacy. it is the self-proclaimed battle against insecurity that makes me paranoid and afraid. it isn't until i look at it in the face, accept its role in my life, and begin to allow Him to use it for nearness that it becomes so much less foreboding and more purposeful. talk about reinventing the way i think.

and the third revelation: being like God is less of His intention for me than being near Him. i have, again in battle with insecurity, attempted all sorts of things to be like Him. to look like Him. to act like Him. i have analysed His words and movements in the attempt...like you might study the mechanics of an engine. why does this work and how can i mimic it? it has left me dry, empty, and useless. until, as i knelt at my prayer bench for the first time in over a year, He said He just wanted me near Him. it is His nearness that is meant to compel me, not the intrigue of His deliberations. i can study Mary Beth because i want to be like her. i can interview people who know her and ask them what kind of things she likes and how she acts. i can read things about her, analyse her e-mails and create a flow chart of who she appears to be based on the pieces i collect. and i may be able to mimic her to an extent. i may be able to respond to people similarly to her. i may be able to follow her recipe for roast. but it will exhaust me because it will be method and not response. it isn't until i sink into her company that who she is graces who i am. it isn't until i spend my time with her and hear her heart and learn to love the woman she is that i will begin to reflect her place in my life. it is no wonder i am exhausted. i have tried to be like God and forgotten what it was to be near Him. and He has had to take it all away to remind me. He knew i'd cling to every little scrap...so He took it all away. and it's in the lonliness He waits. i want to be near Him.