orchestration.

why am i always surprised? grace and sovereignty are the schools i am a student of. each its own curriculum and i the scholar. i always hated classrooms. i loved learning but only if it was accidental. so it isn't surprising that my life -- classroom that it is -- has been such frustration. inevitably, though, the success of sovereignty is worth every painful lesson. in the middle of the lesson i always scream out. i beg for conclusion. the hurt is too deep or the hurt reminds me of another hurt that was too deep. i flounder and kick against what i cannot change. it's almost as though i assume that if i refuse to learn the lesson at hand, the Teacher will give up His methods and stop trying to teach me lessons. He doesn't. instead, i flail while He continues with His method. it isn't until i tantrum myself into exhaustion that i look around and see what He has done. and what i can't figure out is, why am i always surprised to see such goodness? you'd think i'd do more than just claim it in the middle of grief...you'd think i'd actually expect it after time and time again He redeems.

i am numb today, not from pain, but from the overwhelming Good my God is. not "Comfortable". not "Pleasant". not "Preferrable". not "Ideal". not "Simple". these are the things i long for, not He. and instead of offering me a fruitbasket of my limited ideals, He offers me perfect orchestration. i see it now. He is good. He is so good, my mind and heart and body cannot take it in for this moment. i love Him for His goodness.