three years.

it's funny, sometimes, the things that you miss. you think you'd miss the typical things like a smile or a laugh. i miss leah today. i miss watching her wake up in the morning. you could usually tell in those first five minutes what the day would be like. sometimes she'd wake up smiling. sometimes she'd wake up groaning. and that was life. i miss watching the disney channel thirteen hours a day. when you are bed-ridden and incapacitated, the tv becomes a miraculous form of entertainment...no response required.
i can't watch the disney channel anymore.
maybe i just got my fill of it during those months.

i miss her scowl when she was just too frustrated to let the tv distract her. her scowl that screamed, "I DON'T WANT TO WATCH THIS STUPID BOX ANYMORE. I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE. I WANT TO RIDE THE BUS AND GO BOWLING AND EAT CHOCOLATE." sometimes i knew she hated me for being able to. it was okay. i miss the look on her face when she had to go to the bathroom. she could walk just enough that she could almost hold her weight up with her legs. so her mother and i would half-carry/half-scoot her into the bathroom a few feet away. i think it was the highlight of her day. it was endlessly funny to her. so she'd get this look on her face -- raised eyebrows, goofy smirk -- that said, "yep...it's time to dance." if her legs gave out, she'd slide to the floor halfway to the bathroom. this was hysterical (in her opinion) and she'd just lay on the floor and laugh while her mother and i would try to figure out how the heck we were going to get her back up again. sometimes we'd have to call a neighbor. leah didn't mind. it meant excitement and company.

i miss her raising her hand in frustration if we couldn't understand what she was communicating and saying in her broken speech, "aye owe uhno." which meant, "I DON'T KNOW (leave me the hell alone)."

i miss making her laugh. oh man, could i ever make that girl laugh. i don't know how. to be in that much pain and that much hopelessness, how in the world she found me funny is beyond me. i think it was beyond me, actually. but nonetheless, i could always make her laugh. she'd say, "HEY" which was her favorite word because it was easy to say.

i miss how determined she would get when she wanted to tell me she loved me. her face would wrinkle a little bit with the challenge of it...she was so desperate to make it clear. i wish i said those words with that much determination.

my favorite day in my life was the last time i saw her. i had to leave to get back to school and i knew she i would never see her again. she had lost all response weeks before...hadn't made eye contact or given any kind of response to any stimulation for weeks. i came in to say goodbye, not even sure if she knew i was there. i said, "i have to go now leah, and the next time i see you, we'll be with Jesus, okay? you can go whenever you're ready. we'll be okay, alright?" she started laughing. she just started laughing like nothing was wrong in the world...like she had never lost her responses. her mother ran in. we all started laughing. just laughing and crying so hard and for so long. then she took my hand as best she could and she got that look on her face again...that look so desperate to communicate something so important. "AYE UHF OOOOO." and i knew she loved me. a few minutes later, she slipped back into her unresponsive state. those were the last words she ever spoke. she won a few weeks later. three years ago today.