fish.

i just wrote a really intense blog that made me cry and want to vomit and i just deleted it. i noticed that recently i stopped writing in my journal...my private hand-written journal. somehow i think i thought this was taking the place of that, but my insides are starting to communicate otherwise. there are things that are in me that need to be written that simply can't be written on a published weblog. sure, we say we want to be completely honest and open and authentic and vulnerable...but, honestly, who is? i'd like to meet them so i can tell them they're stupid. often the times you find me writing about my fish, it's because there is such deep ache in me that i can't get to on this keyboard, so i write about something safe and stable.

prichard scared me a little bit today. it seemed that he was swimming rather crookedly...which was the beginning stages of dox's death. and i love these stupid little fish so much that i think i would actually take them to the vet if there was hope of saving their wet little meaningless lives. but i checked on him this afternoon and he seems to be doing fine. i know you're not supposed to have favorites, but prichard really is my favorite. i mean, jeffrey is a lot of fun...he swims in circles and continually seems to think that he might be able to bore his way through the glass and out of the aquarium...but prichard is just fantastic. he lives inside his little cave and when i come over to say hello, he sticks his little red head out of the window as if to greet me. then he goes back into his little cave, or he swims to the top of his aquarium communicating in his own little aquarius way that he is hungry. i, of course, oblige.

time to go pick up a pen.