turn.

new train of thought. in some ways i like this one more. and in some ways, i'm more discouraged than before.

american marriages and the lack of commitment therein have often been at the forefront of my mind in these last years. i come from two people who should certainly have left one another long ago by society's standards -- with good reason and no shame. somehow they have chosen not to. and beyond choosing not to, they have chosen to continue loving each other. and beyond choosing to continue loving each other, they have chosen to adore one another. these things baffle me along with the rest of the world. their choices, however, have solidified a resolve in me.

love is a choice. love is not a bi-product. nor is it a feeling. it is not a reaction. it is a choice. in a society of immediate result and constant stimulation, marriages default to a foundation of emotion, assuming this "swept away" feeling is the sign that this is "the one." i have no taste for this. it is a poor foundation. romance is a luxury, and one worth desiring, but it is necessary to see it for what it is. (believe it or not, this blog is not about marriage at all...just stick with me for a second.) what seems to happen far too often is that when the romance fades, there is no choice of love to stay strong in. relationships crumble. families fall apart. what it seems needs to happen is every day the foundation of love has to be laid with a series of choices: choosing to see the good in that person, choosing to pray for them, choosing to put self second (or, dare i say, last), choosing to act maturely in immature situations, choosing to release "rights", choosing to be willing to communicate even when communication is the least of desires, choosing to put feeling on the back-burner for the sake of the choice of commitment. i believe the dry seasons of "lovelessness" come and go as selfless choices continue to be made despite or even in the midst of counterproductive feelings. don't misunderstand: i am not an idealist, believe it or not, and i do not intend to claim that all marriages should last and anyone is a failure if they have experienced a failed marriage. i am aware that for these choices to work, they have to be made by two, and not just one. but even that statement brings me closer to my point.

god refers to me as his bride. he says he loves me. there was a time when i felt that truth more closely and more real than my own skin. in that closeness, it was easy to claim him and profess my own love. feeling him by my side everyday, talking with him for hours at a time, finding joy in his presence, feeling at ease in my own trust in him. today the honeymoon, it seems, is over. there has been a lot of miscommunication...a lot of slammed doors...a lot of poor choices. i have resented his lack of romance. i have been ready to pack and leave. but today my own philosophy of marriage came back to bite me in the ass. when i read back through the previous paragraph in the context of my relationship with him, i am painfully convicted. i have depended on the feeling we tiny little people call love. i have held my own heart ransom for it. you want me? i have said. prove it. but truth in me knows that we're past that point. there is nothing left for him to prove. he has proven it time and time again. what is left is a choice, and it's mine to make. i don't feel like making it. but i think i'm starting to realize, that is the point. this time it is to be a choice, and not a reaction. "gifted response" only gets you so far. and i do pray to feel it again... but i'm not packing my bags tonight. in fact, i'm thinking it might be time to break the silence. silence is murder on a marriage. so, answers or questions, truth or confusion, knowledge or ignorance, i may not get the set i'm looking for. but i made a commitment. and so i have to make a choice. and today that has to be enough.