root.

if you could cure one disease in the world, what would it be?

insecurity. i think, when the water boils down, insecurity is the root of all evil. most, if not all, of the idiotic, hurtful, selfish, irritating things i do are direct reactions to my own insecurity. i'm out to kill it. because, while i could, without much effort, spend my life writing a list of all the things that are not up to par about myself, grace for the self is probably the most powerful tool others see and are drawn to. grace for the self. imagine the witness for peace if i could only attain grace for my self. grace for others is almost inevitable if true, sincere grace for the self can be achieved.

goals for my life (this isn't the entire list -- just the ones relevant to this post)

1) never let my children hear me insult myself.
2) just once, be able to watch a recording of myself singing live, and not want to cry.
3) be so aware that what i do is a result of what God allows and and gives, and be so detached from my responsibility in it that i could actually enjoy the things i set my hand to. (like the artist in The Great Divorce.)
4) understand the inevitability of imperfection -- in my voice, in my body, in my intellect, in my relationships, in my perception of God, in my attempts.

that's quite a list.

the thing is, His strength is only able to be perfect in my weakness. the thing is, i have to be imperfect for His perfection. i have to fall short of His glory for His glory to be shown. and that, in and of itself, is one definition of grace -- that He would not just tolerate this imperfection that, when stared at, urges me to hate myself, but that He provides a use for it and demands an acceptance of it. it is not optional to refuse self-hatred. it is required as His own. those fruits of the Spirit are quite impossible to achieve if my mind is set on my inadequacies. and so, it is time to refuse the consequence of sin -- which is the immediate and overwhelming awareness of self -- which equals shame, guilt, hatred, selfishness, apathy, and hopelessness. it is time to invite the remedy of sin -- which is the immediate and overwhelming awareness of this God -- which equals love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.

i am not enough. what i'm out to learn is, that is the point.