speaking.

i was recently asked to be the speaker and worship leader at a singles retreat in texas.

that's weird.

i'm excited about the possibility of it...terrified of course (when am i not?), but excited. i have no real idea what makes them think i would be qualified for such a thing. i'm as much a clutz with my words as i am with a guitar. but i've learned not to run from these opportunities. some of my favorite moments in life come from situations i would have naturally chosen to flee from. worst case scenario, i make a total idiot of myself in front of a bunch of twenty-somethings who i'll never see again. best case scenario, God smacks me over the head again.

i'm really okay with either.

evidently, though they are a twenty-something singles group, they never really talk about being single. so they'd like me to talk about it. and they've asked for some topics that i might present if i end up speaking there.

in the past, i've just spoken on the things that are most raw in my heart...such as the reality of grace and the honesty of doubt. and, as luck would have it, my singleness is in fact bothering me a little more than usual these days. i'm feeling a struggle to find validation solely in the fact that i am a child of God...gut instinct is to find validation as a spouse and/or parent. life seems much less interesting when you're living it to feed your mouth alone. and i'm tired of feeling like i live in a waiting game...like the world (and my self) sees me as living in the "in-between", getting by with life until real life (aka marriage) finds me. i resent that sentiment. i resent it a lot, but i haven't figured out how to lose it consistently. i have phases when i'm perfectly content, and phases when i'm antsy. i suppose such is life. but i'd like to explore a solution.

i also thought about speaking on fear of marriage. it's the other big part of my singleness that is bothering me, and it seems that i am not alone in it. it seems that most single people i know are terrified, either of their own married self, or their future spouse. i'm pretty much afraid of both. marriage brings out the worst in people. i certainly don't want to offer my worst to someone i've decided to love for the rest of my life. and i certainly don't want to find out that his worst could eventually leave me stranded and alone. but again, it seems worth the exploration.

anyone have any ideas for me? things you'd like to hear a single girl speak on at a singles retreat? give me something good, folks.