bear.

leah,

four years as of august 25th. i'm sorry this is three days late.

i still miss you. you'd think i wouldn't. you'd think you would have stopped coming up in conversations. but you never do. you're around all the time, like my life never existed before you.

i thought about making this an apology...telling you all the things i failed at that relate to you...all the things i could have done better and should have done better and would have done better if i had just been a little more aware. i thought about it being a list of i'm-sorry's. but i'm not sorry. i don't want to be sorry. i know i could have done so many things differently...i know life could have looked different for you. and my instinct is to apologize for being so incapable...so helpless to help you. but i was helpless. i still am. and it would be crude and selfish. so i won't apologize.

instead, my bear, i will thank you.
thank you for that sparkle in your tired little eyes that lasted long after we had lost the sparkle in ours.
thank you for changing my perspective on what pain is.
thank you for being real and honest...for loving moments and hating others and letting me share in it.
thank you for letting me in, though i never invested in you when i had the chance while you were healthy.
thank you for loving me so much.
thank you for giving me the chance to love you.
thank you for laughing at my weak attempts to lighten your day.
thank you for saying goodbye the way you did.
thank you for trying so hard to smile when i know it must have been the last thing you wanted to do.
thank you for knowing it was worth it.
thank you for a glimpse of eternity.
thank you for not resenting me (or at least showing it) as i did all the little things for you that you wished so much you could do yourself.
thank you for being so positive when your surroundings were so negative (including me).
thank you for giving me a reason to get up in the morning.
thank you for changing me...i am still changing because of you.
thank you for pushing out deeper places in my heart.
thank you for living the way you did.
thank you for dying the way you did.

i want to be more like you.
i love you, my bear.