focus.

did i mention that i'm in kansas?

i'm in kansas. i'm in kansas because some of the most significant and important people in my life live here right now.

and it seems that this trip, like the people it was taken for, is proving to be equally significant and important.

this family is so good for me in so many ways. i am learning about myself. i am learning about the dynamic of life...of relationship...of intimacy. each of them plays a separate role. i am challenged, supported, encouraged, affected differently be each one. i love them so much. just when i think my heart can surely not take anymore, a new place is pushed out and i love even more deeply and more honestly. it's frightening. each new place that is pushed out is a new capacity for hurt and ache.

as the days get shorter, i find i am terrified. i don't know what life holds for me. the short term and long term future are equally blank. the short term future keeps me up nights because of the bills, the daylight hours, the resources. and the long term future gnaws at my gut consistently -- what am i to be/do and who will be at my side when i do it? because as i sit here at this kitchen table and fill my days with the footwork for a ministry i truly believe in for a friend i support wholly and completely, i find the day to day not only palatable, but appealing.

something i believe in. or for someone i believe in. that's what i need to do with my life.

so here's the next part of that -- although there are a few missing cars in this train of thought -- this is the next significant one. i have gotten confused recently about the purpose of relationships. i have somehow twisted things in my mind and have lived as though my relationship with God gets me closer to my relationships with people. i've used Him for it. i have even gone as far as asking Him to situate me for intimacy with people i have longed to be close to. "God, just somehow, put me in a place so that i can know so-and-so better...so that i can be closer to so-and-so." amazingly He does. but i'm realizing the hardship of it. because back at home await some of the most honest relationships i have ever known, and i find myself compelled to run. i have made them too much in my eyes. no, wait. i have not made Him enough. i say to Him, "there is too much capacity for hurt." He says to me, "that is like saying there is too much capacity for growth." i say to Him, "there's nothing for me here." He says to me, "you refuse to acknowledge what i have placed right in front of you." i say to Him, "it's too temporary. i can't base my life on the temporary." He says in no uncertain terms, "you base your life on me."

so the new revelation is that the relationships He has given me are to bring me closer to Him. that doesn't go away. that is love and pain and investment and ache and joy and honesty and growth...none of which goes away no matter who leaves and who stays...no matter what changes in the relationship and what stays the same. so while there is certainly a great deal of pain in my future, i am realizing that i cannot waste what has been given to me today in the fear of it.

oh focus, won't you just stay where you're supposed to?