i want to always be honest. i want to always be truthful...to be one of those people that you know are holding nothing back. when i'm upset, i want to be able to show it and not feel ashamed. when i'm glad, i want to share it with those around me. when i'm doubting, i want to be honest about it and not hold back. let the truth stand for itself. it doesn't need me to protect it or hide it away for safe-keeping. it is solid and sure. i've had it backwards, i suppose. trying to protect the truth when the truth is actually the only thing able to protect me. i'm making it sound like i live in a shroud of discretion. i don't. i'm pretty much an open book. but there are things i try to control...perhaps manipulate...to expose the best angle possible. there are people who would tell me that i need to keep a clean appearance. for instance, don't let the "non-believers" know that you're upset with God...it's not a good "witness." i say, bullshit. this is me. and if who i am makes you question the truth, so be it. i'm all for questioning the truth. i've been questioning it for more than a year now and could use the company. but i stay firm in this belief: the truth stands, whether i am around to hold it up or not...whether i am pushing it around and testing it's borders...whether i'm beating my head against it until i have a spiritual concussion...the truth stands. i'm not going to screw it up. that's, i suppose, a great testament to grace, though my spiritual concussion won't allow me to assimilate that truth right now.
that leads me to trust. i look in the mirror and know that i am capable of every evil...it is not impossible for me to be untrustworthy in the most loathsome ways. there are days that i look away from the face of God and i sink. and if i know that i have the truest intentions of being a woman of God and yet am also aware of the potential for evil in me, i have to know it lives in everyone else, too. and so, trusting someone becomes a choice (just like loving them). you can't, not really, EARN trust. you can earn respect and confidence, but you can't really completely earn trust, because at any moment every person with a functioning brain and body is capable of evil. once again, it is grace.
i'm tired. i wish i could delineate what i believe so that i could enjoy intelligence again.
Merry Christmas 2018
7 years ago
3 comments:
I'm blythe's friend.
Your thoughts are close to where my heart currently sits. God is in your journey, and I think that your boldness to be committed to truth and grace, not other people's critiques, is such a beautiful place to be.
Well, even though I don't know you, thanks for these thoughts. They helped me.
Loisa! I found your blog through others and I'm so glad I did! This is so close to my heart as this is the journey I have been on for the last few years - And I love it! I never knew true freedom and fulfillment until I lived by this!
Though we are all capable of evil, most of us are also capable of trust and love and honesty. I know I am.
You are a deep thinker. You want to be heard and listened to. You deeply long to be understood. You want to know that you're not alone in this.
Seems so many of us have this in common and cannot understand those who don't. Let's talk!
When can I buy you a drink?
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