we want to be known.
we want our intentions to be understood and our motives to be trusted. because we know (most of us) that deep down, we are good, or at least that we are doing the best we can. we know that we don't intend to harm. we know that we desire to be good and helpful and loving. and we want others to know it, too.
so we spend a lot of time trying desperately to convey the image of the person we hope we are. it's ironic if you think of it literally. i remember flying in a plane and thinking how much the earth below me looked like a toy christmas village and the wing of the plane looked like a fake prop. we get so familiar with fantasy that reality reminds us of it instead of the other way around. christmas villages are made to remind us of the real world, not vice versa. but i digress.
we paint a picture of ourselves that we think will more accurately display the person we think we might be instead of just being the person we are and trusting that others will take the time to see it themselves. it is such a frightful thing to be misunderstood. it is probably my least favorite thing. because i want to be known. i want to be "gotten".
i treasure those who know me. there is no pretense...no attempt at portrayal. it would be futile to try to be wise or convey myself as mature. i simply AM with them. and that is enough. there are two, specifically, who i truly have this with. two who know me better, i think, than i know myself. two who know the crap and choose to focus on the good. i have no fear with them...no question of being misunderstood...no hesitation to communicate what is in me. nothing to hide. nothing to spin. it's all been laid out on the table anyway. they are the part of my life that is sure. because they know me. they know me and they love me like no one else. they are home to me.
i'm losing these people in mere days. they will drive away and my life will change. and i dread the lonliness that will inevitably follow. not to imply that i will be alone...i am surrounded by people i love and cherish and wouldn't trade. but these people...they're my family...my soul's home...and i ache.
Merry Christmas 2018
7 years ago
2 comments:
i'm surprised you didn't include anything regarding secrecy, after our sunday night discussion.
surprised, yet delighted, somehow.
You knew you would get hurt some day because you were vulnerable, raw, and exposed. You knew there would be pain because of it at some point, it was inevitable but worth it. Worth every tear that it causes now. Worth the aching. Worth the mourning. We can't begin to understand how precious life is without loss. An open wound should remind us that we ought be wary of being hurt again, but more importantly, the bleeding reminds us that we are alive. The wounds will continue to heal, and so we should continue to live. A vicious cycle of love and loss, but one that brings the fullness of life, without regret.
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