lent.

i've been fasting...doing the one meal a day thing. right now it feels a lot more like a ritual than anything else. but i think i'm learning the value of going through the motions. i think i'm learning that it's okay that not every action or choice i make in life is a response to an experience. in the past, fasting has been a response to a call to heavy intercession or deep spiritual need. this time it is simple, blind faith-obedience. i call it faith-obedience because i'm not hearing any voice to obey...i'm following in the footsteps of those before me in the faith that it is obedient. i think i've always believed that to act outside of your inner-processings and emotions was what it meant to be fake or phony. but i think i'm learning that there is value to it. my heart will CHOOSE to say "blessed be Your name." that's what is meant by a SACRIFICE of praise...not that you give something up to worship the Lord but that the act of worshipping Him is in and of itself a sacrifice. i'm still trying to assimilate it.

i'm scared about it. there is a fear in me that i am headed toward a dispassionate life...one that i'm sure is much more peaceful and even -- a life of choice and intention -- but one that is so much less enjoyable and emotive than living in the propulsion of movements and stirrings. it has been a year and four months since i felt the affection of God. does He reach a point where He stops romancing? where He asks me to be driven by my commitment and my faith, never again to be compelled by the sweetness of His fragrance or the consumption of His passion? here's a non-rhetorical question: does God ever "remove" His Holy Spirit? psalm 51 has been haunting me for that reason. is that what is going on with me? is that why i can't read the Bible any more? is that why He doesn't tell me things anymore when i pray like He used to? has he "removed" Himself from me? and, more importantly, am i at fault?

i miss His romance.

the part that gives me hope -- that makes me feel like i'm moving forward -- is that i am willing. (i wasn't before.) i am willing to act out my faith on choice and commitment alone for the rest of my life if it is asked of me. though i long to be compelled even more than i long for my next breath (yes, truly more), i will press on (i get what that scripture means now, too). it makes heaven seem so much more real and yet so much farther away at the same time. to KNOW Christ? to SEE God? these are the things i long for...the things that frustrate my spirit. oh, to know anything! how i ache for it. i have to wait until heaven? ecclesiastes 3:11...eternity is set in my heart, but i have no hope of fathoming it. it seems cruel...but i am willing. just come quickly, Lord...i want to know truth...come show me.

hmm...that may be the most vulnerable i've been sober...and here i am posting it for the world to see... sheesh. i must be in need of adult communication. i have been listening to jana's music on loop for the past ten hours straight (no exaggeration). it's alright, though...i actually have enjoyed this weekend, though my back aches and my knees are swollen. san diego, it seems, is good for my heart.