JIC.

just in case.

it seems that maybe i'm dying. i'm probably not, but between the blindspot migraine, the difficulty breathing, the random and sporadic fevers, the panic attack, and the sharp unexplainable pain in my ribcage all this week, the hypochondriac in me thinks that surely one of these symptoms is caused by some sort of tumor. so, just in case, here's a few things i want to say.

i am selfish and short-sided, opinionated and pushy, inconsistent, insecure, and moody. at best. and these are just a few. i don't mean to imply that there are not good things about me...there are...very good things, in fact...but for now, just for a second, let's talk about the bad. there are a lot of people out there, many of whom read this blog, who are quite aware of all of these things...painfully aware of them, i'm afraid. and somehow, these people have chosen grace for me. these people have highlighted the good in me instead of the bad, and when i am around these people, i feel more like the good than i feel like the bad. there are those who i have hurt, taken for granted, frustrated, irritated, and angered. those, unfortunately, are usually the ones i love most.

see, i know how to make people like me. i can turn it on like a switch. i can read a person (usually) and know who i should be for them if i want to endear myself to them. i know my capabilities of manipulation...which is probably why i am so slow to trust people and why i appreciate sincerity so much...because of my own tendencies. but there are those who i have been real with...and naturally, the more real and the more honest you get, the more capacity there is for hurt and frustration and irritation and insecurity. but i'm grateful for all of those things because on the other side is the wide valley of relationship that is honest and real and true. i'm grateful for people in my life who think i'm worth the wading through. when i'm real, i'm not so much the most positive person to be around. i'm not exactly bright and cheery. but there is grace extended. and that grace covers all the negative...all that is tainted...and i am able to be loved because of it. and so i'm grateful for grace.

'loisa, what are you saying, exactly? you're not really following any discernible train of thought, here." i know. i don't know what i'm saying. i have tumors, remember? i guess i'm saying that i know i have been full of nothing but bitterness and questions for a long time, and i'm not saying that this season is over, but if i WERE to die this week, it's okay. i'm grateful. i'm aware of grace. i'm aware of truth. and i'm loved...so very loved. and that is good. i can't ask for more than that. i may not have landmarked anything with my life...i may not have achieved much of anything (not even a bachelor's degree), but i am fulfilled in these thoughts and these relationships and these beliefs.

now don't worry...i don't really think i'm dying...don't focus on that or you'll miss the point of all that i wrote. i'm saying i'm okay. or at least, i'm finally sure that i'm going to be someday. and i'm saying thank you for pulling out good things in me.