fear.

i can't sleep.

isn't fear amazing? it has the ability to assume such a variety of attitudes.

there is, of course, the thrilling fear. the delicious kind you feel at the nape of your neck when you allow your imagination to wander. the kind you get in a horror flick when you know someone, somewhere is about to jump out of the shadows. it's a controllable fear. one that often waits for your permission and never threatens your absolute peace. it's a lovely fear. (to me, at least.)

then there's actual physical fear. this is the adrenaline-pumping, tunnel-visioning, fight-or-flight fear reminiscent of prey escaping predator. it's similar to the first, but a more grown-up and matured version of it. it's when you become aware of the fact that your body is breakable. it's a healthy fear because it keeps us safe...reminds us of our boundaries and limits. but it is not as fun as the thrilling fear mentioned above. coming face to face with death outside of your manipulation...it's a different feeling altogether.

and how about the dull-achy fear of the future...the one that never really completely goes away, but ebbs and flows with the financial market and your hormone balance. you know this one. it sends us tiptoeing to the psychiatrist for a dose of xanax or lexapro. it makes our breathing as short as our temper. it's the one to which we owe for so many physical disorders and relational strains. certainly a fear, but again, so very different.

my favorite is the awe fear. the one that makes you say, "heavens!...i'm so very tiny!" remember when you first realized that forever was forever was forever? *shudder* that was the awe fear that kept you up that night. or when you caught a glimpse of just how many people there are on the planet...how many gallons of water there are in the ocean...how many atoms make up one expendable hair follicle...how disastrously large the sun really is in comparison to our meager, well-placed planet. or how aware the Creator of it all is of little old you? there's something unsettling and yet reverent in this fear. (i've come to crave it.)

but what of that spiritual fear? i think there is none more disturbing...more affective. it's when you become aware of the fact that your spirit is breakable. i am new to it. it bears urgency. it breeds compulsion. it is healthy. just as the physical fear keeps us safe, this too reminds us of our boundaries and limits. how dangerous to live without it. because light exists just as true as the "safe" we ran to in a game of tag. i would run fast and far and with strong conviction to escape that fear at my back until i outrun its reach. and if that fear alone prods me, then i am grateful for it.