deborah clasky.

i saw Spanglish recently. as a movie, i loved it. as a platform for self-analysis, it terrified me. it is a frightening thing when you identify with and despise a character with equal intensity. as i watched tea leoni's character completely unravel as a human throughout the movie, something in my mind said, "yep. you're headed right there." i hated that character.

please don't misunderstand -- i do not hate myself. on the contrary, i'd say i'm relatively comfortable with myself minus a few details. but this movie was one of those "pull-yourself-together-or-your-nonexistent-future-family-is-going-to-be-miserable" wake-up calls.

things i noticed:
1. she is obsessed with herself, her situation, and her personal development.
2. she sees the negative in herself, but uses it as a justification for further self-improvement which is really just another excuse for egocentrism.
3. she thinks that being aware of the things she needs to work on and letting everyone around her know that she's aware that she needs to work on them excuses her from actually working on them (or at least buys her some time and/or sympathy in the process).
4. she views her husband as the man he is in relation to her, not as the man he is in and of himself.
5. she thinks that seeing the negative in the people closest to her is a form of intimacy (including in herself) so she focuses only on the negative and is unaware of or completely ignores the mountains of positive around her.
6. she complains. a lot.

i do not want to be this. but what's funny is, even the act of writing this list as a source of things i do not want to be, i am her. i am doing exactly what she would do in this very situation.

so what's the remedy, then, if i can't self-analyse myself out of it?

others. if i'm thinking about them -- if i'm preferring them -- if my concern is them, then the rest is moot. ah yes. ego-centrism turned to others-centrism. easier said than done...