tangle.

my self...a tangle of a mile long thread i am working on unraveling. remember maniac mcgee and the globular knot he was made a hero of for untangling? that's me. the knot...not mcgee. here's a strand i'm currently working out...

how to love me:
1. respect me
i know...this is supposed to be the "guy" thing...i'm supposed to want "desire" and they're supposed to want "respect". not here. i long to be respected. i want to be worthy of respect. i want to offer respect. and i long to be respected.

2. know me
i don't expect to be known by many. it is not a requirement of friendship (it is a goal of friendship). but i do so feel loved when i feel known.

**pretty much everything else falls under these first two, but i'll go ahead and list them for grins.**

3. give me the benefit of the doubt.
it is much easier, i think, to assume the worst of me. i mess up a lot. but most of the time, my heart is pure and well-intended. i do make mistakes. i speak too quickly. i word things poorly. i react unwisely. i forget (a lot). but in this moment when i do harm (if you are kind enough to love me in this moment), know my heart better than my mouth. know me enough to know hurt is rarely (dare i say "never"?) my heart's aim.

4. reprimand me when i need it
numbers 1, 2, and 3 are prerequisite to this one. if you show me grace as we grow in friendship, when the time comes for admonition, my defenses will lay dormant. i think the love of reprimand is one of the most powerful gifts of relationship. i have never felt more loved than when someone loves me, knows me, and offers grace to me enough to realign me.

5. consider my ideas
i know my thoughts are often strange. i know they push against a lot of "normal." i like pushing against "normal" just to see if it pushes back or gives way to reveal something new. i want to consider every possibility, never assuming a single one false until each has been thoroughly explored. let me explore the space in my brain and in my heart. let me consider things that are frightening, just to be sure...just to know for sure what is true. or at least to know for sure what i believe. let me push against things...and sometimes, maybe even push with me.

6. find good in me
even when i can't. scratch that...especially when i can't.

7. affection...
i'm having a hard time unraveling this one. i am extremely affectionate to the point that i would say i need physical affection for a healthy state of mind. simply being held can undo a multitude of ache build-up in my heart. however the circumstance surrounding that affection is terribly confusing. there are only about four people in my life right now that i am comfortable giving and receiving that kind of affection from (which is probably healthy). i just feel the need to mention it since it is such a crucial component of love in my life.


how to hurt me:
**with the exception of 2, you have to be in a friendship with me to really hurt me...and i make sincere effort to refuse offense as much as possible (it's tattooed on my wrist, for heaven's sake).**

1. roll your eyes at me
this really does hurt me more than just about anything else.

2. hurt someone i love
ooooo. yeah. this one might hurt more than the first.

3. assume the worst of me

4. speak ill of me to those who don't know me
(disclaimer: if you love me, it's only reasonable that you should be allowed to air your grievances with a mutual friend who also loves me...friends discussing friends doesn't hurt me as long as it is in pursuit of resolve.)

5. focus on my flaws
i already do this...realizing someone else does this is intolerably painful for me. when i suspect this of someone, i shut down completely.

6. manipulate me
i'm prone to guilt. please don't use it against me.