growing up.

like they say, life comes atcha fast. or at least, it comes suddenly to a point where you can no longer successfully evade it.

what do i want to be when i grow up?

when i start this new life of mine, what do i want to be doing? i've picked the apartment, the dog, the curtains, the dishes, even the pot holders. i've figured out a budget and a savings plan. i've even started a grocery stock list for my kitchen. yes, it's all ready for me to give the order and settle in. but in all the planning of the fun things, i have evaded the need for an actual plan.

when i was a kid, we used to sing (or rather my sister would sing and i would provide comedic distraction) this bill gaither song at churches called "i am a promise." it was a song about how i as a four-year-old and my sister as an eleven-year-old were little vessels of all kinds of potential. yessireebob. and just to drive it home, my mom and dad would interject every once in a while with poignant encouragements to let me know, yes, in fact i was capable of anything.

"i can climb the high mountain."
"you can climb the highest mountain."
"i can cross the wide sea."
"you can cross the widest sea."

and so on. the line that sticks out most in my head is when my mother with her linda carter hair would say, "...and you can be anything God wants you to be."

ok.

so here i am twenty-some-odd years down the road. the song did its job. i truly believe still that i am capable of anything. i actually do still cling to the old truth that all things are possible through Him. but i gotta tell ya, that doesn't really narrow things down for me.

which brings me to the other line that sticks, when my father would say, "...and you can hear God's voice if you'll just take time to really listen."

hmm. so if i don't hear His voice, it means i haven't taken the time to listen? or maybe i listened, but not really?

"do what you want to do, loisa," you say to me as you read, "follow the desires of your heart."

ok. do you know how many different places i would have to be at one time to follow the desires of my heart? ha! perhaps my heart simply has too many desires. which shall i abandon?
because i dream of being a writer...or even an editor for a publication. something to hone my skills and equip me for better communication. something to spread the thoughts i believe are significant.
and i dream of being a singer. just someone who hits people with music that means something...and someone who gets to sing...which is really fun when it's not terrifying.
and i dream of being a songwriter. getting paid to create what i love most.
and i dream of being a vocal director or a children's choir director. yes...i'll admit sometimes i practice directing to my mother's choral CDs...affecting these children to love music and strive toward excellence.
and i dream, sometimes, of being a youth leader. these are really crazy dreams sometimes because i'm so awkward with youth...but i'd love to influence the jr high age to think deeply like someone (marti kimbrell) influenced me.
and i dream of being an artist. creating things that people create a home with or sweet gifts for loved ones.
and i dream of owning my own children's bookstore (ok...this one's my favorite)...not just a bookstore but the kind of place that takes you out of reality...the kind of place where children would be inspired to know things again...not out of requirement but out of the sheer joy of it...secret passageways...costume trunks...my mother reading stories...my father leading daring mystery investigations...workshops and pop-up-books and reading clubs and gardens and tea parties and comic books and family game nights. oh my brain doesn't stop when i start thinking of it.

i could do any of these things (by grace, certainly, as the song taught me).

when i focus on one dream, i am convinced it is certainly the deepest in my heart and i am sure to pursue it determinately... until i'm reminded of another or a new dream materializes. then i want to pursue it instead of the first. until i'm reminded of another...

so what do i do, friends? what will i be when i grow up?