sinuses.

dear guy sitting next to me at the la master chorale last night,

it was a beautiful performance of Brahms' Requiem, was it not? i was pleased with how well the master chorale fulfilled Brahms' dynamic intention, weren't you? and the art-chitecture of the Disney concert hall housed the piece well, don't you agree?

but enough of the civilities. allow me, if you will, to share with you a few pointers on how to not blemish a perfectly lovely evening for the poor soul who is doomed to sit beside you at the next concert you attend.

firstly, let us discuss your sinuses. before attending the performance of a significant work of art, such as Brahms' Requiem, where every hertz of frequency is extraordinary and every decibel pregnant, from experience, i suggest that you blow your nose. take time to rid the passageways in your face of all obstruction. note that various nasal sprays have been known to assist in such situations. before the concert begins, make every effort to clear your sinuses, therefore eliminating the hideous whistling noise your face insisted upon emitting throughout the evening. if, however, you make such efforts and the terrible whistling endures, allow me to draw attention to the multiple holes in your head, one in particular of which was created as a back up plan for just such an occasion. yes, i do mean to imply that when God formed your mouth, He thought of me and the indefinite amount of frustration it could have spared me should you have chosen to use it instead of your nose for respiratory function last night.

secondly, we will speak of arm rests. as we all know, arm rests in a public auditorium are one of man's many failed attempts to bring the human race together. two chairs. one arm rest between. sharing is required. there is a silent, non-verbal contract that takes place when two strangers sit adjacent to one another in a theater or auditorium. the terms can be quite complicated as there is no cultural law determining who has first rights to the shared arm rest. some may offer, i am perfectly comfortable folding my arms. please feel free to monopolize the arm rest. others communicate, it is quite simple. you will balance a portion of your elbow on your half of the arm rest. i will balance my third of an elbow on this half of the arm rest. and then others, speak loudly, i'm not even aware you exist, therefore this arm rest will be mine and mine alone. you sir, i am quite sure, are guessing to which category you belong. unfortunately, you belong to the fourth unsavory clan who insist, not only on devouring the arm rest with their presence, but further completely disregard the boundary of the arm rest itself and jut their cursed limbs and elbows into the bodies of the poor souls beside them. yes, curse you and your infernal elbows.

lastly and in short, i must make mention that dry hands rubbed repeatedly against a stubbled chin create quite the ruckus in an acoustically sublime room.

gratefully, though more of my energy was spent on trying to telepathically communicate my frustration to you than i would have preferred, you did not succeed in ruining the night in its entirety for me. i managed to thoroughly enjoy and absorb the prodigious work of art that was audibly displayed for all of us in attendance. i do hope you enjoyed it as much as i did.

i will pray for your sinuses,
loisa