fishhook.

there is a road in soquel, california that travels at about 45-50 miles an hour until it suddenly curves so sharply and so quickly you have to slow to about 15 mph to stay on it. they call it "the fishhook", and if you don't take the signs warning its approach seriously, you might find yourself in a little bit of panic. i don't know who planned it this way...why a road heading in one direction would suddenly need to head back the way it came... it seems pointless. but living near this road, i found myself on it many times. and it always got me where i needed to go.

once this year is over, my life is going to take a little bit of a fishhook. not that i've been traveling at 45-50 miles an hour...i feel like i've been crawling on the 405 at 5pm. but i at least thought i was headed in a certain direction. (although if you know me, you know how very rare it is for me to EVER know in which direction i am headed.)

when you're in high school and you have that first moment of "oh...crap...i have to make decisions now that can affect my entire life," most people tell you to figure out what you like and are good at, get training and experience in it, and pursue for all you're worth. you're under the impression at that point that if you're really dedicated, you'll be "successful" in it, which means you'll be well known for being really good at it, and people will throw money at you to get you to do it for them.

the folly of this is revealed when you realize one day that what you love to do and consider yourself good at is something you cannot pursue, get a degree in, or earn success at. i realized that a long time ago, so i chose the second best thing...singing. but here i am, years down the road, and the singing just isn't cutting it. i like to sing. scratch that...i love to sing, and i want to keep doing it. but it's not the thing for me. and i'm a little bit sad and a little bit scared to admit that.

you know what i'm good at? no...you don't know what i'm good at because you've never seen me do it...i've never seen me do it...i've never had the chance to prove how good at it i would be. but i know it. it's deep...deep in me at that spot where it touches the center of my entire cardiovascular, respiratory, and nervous system...that spot that makes me cry to even blog about, not because it makes me sad, but because it makes me so happy to finally claim it.

you know what i am? i'm a mom. and i'm a wife. granted, i have no children and no husband, but i'm a mom and a wife all the same. and i used to think it was weak to admit that. i used to think i was supposed to be independent...that women who weren't married with kids but wished they were, were choosing to be dissatisfied. and i thought that to admit that what i want in this life more than anything my heart allows itself to dream of is a husband to serve and children to raise was foolish and weak. but i'm not doing that to myself anymore because i know, it's what i was made for. i know it.

i don't say this with a grain of regret. i am not, nor have i ever been, in a place where i am desperate for this fulfillment. this is not a method to make myself feel like i'm worth something or a void i am trying to fill. this is an acceptance of an actual calling...as real as missionary work or teaching or writing...or singing. so i am not sad at the years i have lived because i have lived them without husband or children. i am glad for each one of these days, and i enjoy being single and surrounded by families that i get to learn from before putting my "education" into practice. i am not desperate to change my status on facebook. i am, quite simply, sure now of this seed in me that i was made for, and i look forward to its fruit. and it will be fruit. i am sure. i wasn't sure before, and the fear of it made me pretend that i didn't want it...i stopped praying for it (how silly to pray for a family, right? what a stupid girlie thing to do)...that maybe if i could convince myself i didn't want it, it wouldn't hurt if i never got it. but how silly. it's what i was made for. i've known it as long as i can remember.

so what does this have to do with the fish hook and this next step in my life? i mean this: i have been traveling as fast as life would allow toward fulfillment in singing...not because i love it...not because i was made for it...but because i thought it would take me farther and farther away from this longing in me. but it hasn't. not one day has it. and so i'm letting it go. i don't mean to say that i will not sing. nor do i mean to say that i'm going to join e-harmony or get artificially inseminated. i'm simply saying i'm going to claim the promise on my life and live in it. so i'm moving. i'm moving away from this place of music business and i'm moving somewhere i would want to raise a family. (i've never wanted to raise a family here. i've known that since we moved here ten years ago.) and i'm going to get a job...a real one. and i'm going to stabilize a budget. and i'm going to start building my household. and i'm going to get to know the Lord better. and i'm going to seek Him. first. and the rest...the rest will be added.